I'm sorry that I've been letting my blog fall by the wayside. I've been having a rough time lately and I haven't really been focusing. 

Probably because I just don't love myself anymore. As pathetic as it is, it's true.

I don't love myself, I can't. I hate myself every time I look in the mirror.

I mean, sure, my mirror image is pretty. But that's all she is. An image. When I look at her, she has no personality. She's unsmiling, boring, and sad looking. Flat, stoic. Expressionless. She's violent in her anger and cold in her depression, but never hot in passion. She has no passion. She's just an icy bitch.

I see no reason to love this person, as it's clear no one else does.

Why should I love myself if no one else can? What's the motivation?

There's nothing special anymore. The sun just rises. It burns, it scorches my skin and I feel nothing. The waves crash and the sound is deafening, but it doesn't move me. It bores me. When I was in love I used to thank the sun for rising, I'd call the waves to me so that I could appreciate them the way I appreciated life. But not anymore. I thank the sun for setting so that I can just go to sleep and forget things. My dreams are amazing, but when I wake up I remember how painful my life is, so I can't wait to go back to sleep.

So what am I looking for? Love? I don't know. I'm not really looking anymore. I'm sort of just waiting for the day the sun falls into the sea and kills everything. That way I can forget to be envious of people who are in love the way I used to be. Maybe if he comes along and finds me, he can wipe my tears. But I can't. I don't have the energy anymore, so it's amazing that I still have the energy to cry.

Have you ever hated someone, like really hated them, and still not been able to get them off your mind?

Let's be perfectly clear about this, I hate CB. Hate, hate, HATE everything about him.  But he's still just constantly in my head. I even had a dream about him last night.
What the hell. I don't want to think about him. But I've just been remembering everything. The stupid gap-toothed smile, the way his sisters glared at me whenever we'd see them. The way I was so sure he was mine forever and I even had the ring to prove it... Until he sold it. 

CB cheated on me. With a band geek, of all people. A fat band geek who was in rehab for drug abuse. How much more comical could you get? Then he decided he preferred said band geek, and told me he'd "rather be alone". Why would you lie like that?? At least if he had told the truth, I wouldn't have waited around (for a week). I could have moved on as quickly as you did, you self-centered nasty afro-pig. 


At least in my dream I was a b**** to him. I dreamed I stole his girlfriend's rings and sold them on Ebay. I made about $500 per ring, and there were six of them. 
Hmmm... I wonder how much her organs are worth? Although they might not be worth much since she is a druggie freak. Oh well.. I bet I can find something to do with them. ;)

a little less conversation, a little more action..

Springboard was Tuesday (and Wednesday). My roommate was cute. She was from South LA and had this kickass French accent, but not much personality. Shame.
Our entertainment for Tuesday night was comedian Tim Young.

 He's just hot. He kept staring at me throughout the show, so either I just look funny or he definitely noticed me.
I'm kind of wondering if it was the latter, but hey, I've had people tell me I look weird, so it could be anything, right?
My team [Team Better Than You (colon) Suck It] won the Mega Relay Tuesday night.
They were behind at first but they caught up and WON! I was the cheerleader so I was like WOOHOOOOOO! since I couldn't participate due to my asthma, which is still bothering me today. Oh well. I still had a lot of fun being Cheermeister.

As for guys? There weren't that many cuties. A few, but nothing to blog home about. I also got my schedule! It is as follows, and I'm so excited.
 

Intro to Psych with Dr. S.
m-w-f, 9:00-9:50 am
[okay so I'm not exactly excited about 9 AM mwf, but it's better than 8 am. SOOO tired of 8 am classes. Plus I absolutely LOVE Dr S. He's just... in a word... fantastic]

Beginning Jazz [dance] in the Fitness Center.
tues-thurs, 9:45-11:00 am
[can I just say I feel like a kid on Christmas here? So excited! I've never taken jazz before. That means split-sole shoes, all new dance pants, and shiny outfits!] 

 
FYE with Dr. N. 
m-w-f, 11:00-11:50 am
[So FYE (first year experience) is a Core class. Lots of writing. Pff. But I've heard the professor is big on art history. That's fantastic, I happen to love art but hopefully I won't have to study any naked statues. Come on, Michelangelo, if you're going to make a statue of a nudie, at least give him something for the girls to look at.  ]

 


 Bio 101-A with Dr. L
m-w, 1:00- 3:45 pm
[No class on friday! w00t! So maybe I can get a job. I haven't heard anything about the professor except that her class focuses more on animal behavior. YAY! No more "biology" with a botany focus. Bring me some dead animals!]

Last, but certainly not least and DEFINITELY my favorite,
Biblical Hebrew with Dr. D
tues-thurs, 2:00 to 3:15 pm
I am so excited! Hebrew?!?! YES!! Now I can actually talk to my grandma and know what she's saying in EVERY language. Except German. I still don't understand what she says in German. Scheiße.


Anstyways, now I'm going to go dance, since I'm listening to Elvis and I feel like it.

Ooh yay! I have a follower! This is exciting.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I had a newborn, and he was beautiful, he had red hair like mine and everything. I was really proud of him, and my entire family loved him. But I don't think I knew who the father was. Or, if I did, he wasn't around.
Well, thank God that's not possible. It really scared me, though. What does a single mother feel? How does she find the strength?
I was going to delve into the whole topic of pregnancy and pregnancy dreams, but that would require dredging through sexual tendencies. Fortunately there are NO stories of that kind for me. I'm so afraid to go through pregnancy or any other sexual consequences by myself. If I have to deal with stuff like that, my husband will have to be right there next to me.

Does anyone else ever have phases where you constantly have babies on the brain? Is this normal, or am I just weird? Do any of y'all ever have pregnancy dreams? Why am I having them?

i lied. i have been somewhere else. I've been on Xanga for days!

muahahahahahahahahah *cough*

Anyways. yes. Xanga. Rawbs' Xanga is a dangerous, addicting place with lots of pictures and girly colors.

I feel like a traitor because I haven't updated in days.
But I haven't been anywhere else either [except facebook] so I suppose I'm not a traitor.
Springboard is tomorrow. I suppose it's not so bad but I just feel this anxiety. I love meeting new people, LOVE LOVE LOVE newbies. I just hate MEETING them. You know?
It scares me to think that I'll be at a new place with a bunch of new people. What will they think of me? [Actually, that's the least of my worries.] What I'm most worried about is having to talk to them. What will I say?
Will I look like a dork, like I always do when meeting new people? Definitely.
Will I make new friends?
Hopefully.
I know Maghen and Jennifer will be there tomorrow so at least that's somewhat promising.
I haven't talked to Jenny since eighth grade. It's pathetic that I haven't, but what should I say? "Hey, I know we used to be best friends in spite of the fact that we always competed against each other and sometimes hated each other. In spite of that hate I've always loved you like my favorite sister"  ?

That will go over well. I can see it already. "Umm... you're a loser."
Actually no, she wouldn't say that. But what would she say?

Anyways. S.N. is underway for a month. I miss talking to him. I think he was mad at me right before he left. Probably. Did I do something bad? I feel like an ass. Should I feel like an ass? I don't know. I don't know how I should feel. Is that bad? Ugh. I've got so much indecision that I just feel like a Magic Eight Ball. If you really want the answer, just shake me.

A little over six weeks left.

Then I'll be in Connectisuck, as my brother so lovinly refers to it. My last trip before I have to go back to school! BLEH.
So, these six weeks will basically consist of me runnin' my little ass off. Seriously. No more six-mile runs, but hopefully my butt (legs, stomach, et cetera) will be impressive enough by then to make ol' Momaroo squirm where she stands.
I haven't decided if I should join a gym, or just run outside like I do. Obviously, running outside is free. But in a gym there's more privacy. And I doubt it would happen, but in case I hurt myself, AnyTime has a medic. They also have snackage and towels and whatnot. I like towels :]
But the whole point is, running outside is free. And once I get in my zone it doesn't really matter whether anyone is around or not. I'm running, the ground is screaming because I'm beating it to pieces, my lungs are screaming for air, my iPod is screaming insane tunes that only make me want to run faster, and my skin is screaming because it's hot. Oh yeah, that's a huge problem.
Today, the temperature is 90 degrees. Not so bad, except Humidity is 59%. When I walk outside, it's like walking into a sauna, only the sauna smells like grass. Humidity is absolutely awful. Yet another reason I should have gone to UConn.
It's 74 degrees there right now. Oh my gosh, I'd die of happiness. 74 in the summer? That's jacket weather, people. JACKET WEATHER.

Lately, I've been slapped with a quandary. About a male. My brain can't wrap itself around this... relationship? Can I call it that? I have no idea. I can't get him out of my head, but the whole problem is, he's thousands of miles away. Also, being male, he's probably not a fan of commitment. But then, he's not like other guys... He's completely different. Which is why I think about him often. He probably thinks I'm just some silly girl with boys on her mind. And occasionally, sometimes frequently, that's correct. But... I can't help wondering how he feels about me. Should I ask him? If I do that, will he lose interest in me? All these thoughts and questions.. My mind is racing. I'm just so hopeless.  : /

don't call my name, don't call my name, roberto.

This weekend, although it just began, has proven itself to be interesting. 

Last night I went to Goldenland Superior with my new friend KC. KC is VERY sheltered (by his own choice) and quite funny once you actually get him to talk. He's a vegetarian [bleh] and all animal-rights and ethical treatment and whatnot. Eh. He also has never heard of Lady Gaga. So I got to expose him. :]

He's kind of self-centered, but hey, look who's talking. I surround myself with self-centered people to make me feel better about my own narcissism. Ha.

He has this awesome (but scary) toucan, named Daphne. She's beautiful and all, but evil. Eeeeevil. I can see it in her little birdy eyes. Rop rop rop. 

I discovered two things this week. Two amazing things. 

The first is a Stay Awake pill. You can buy it under the brand name Vivarin, about $7 for 40, or in generics for a bit cheaper.

I found it in generic for about $3 at Wal-Mart. 80 little yellow tablets. The name on the box just said "Stay Awake", so I was like 'okay, this will help with my experiment'.

 ...

The first thing I'm going to tell you about this pill is, whoever picked the name was completely off. The name of this pill is not Stay Awake. The proper name for a pill of this amazingness and magnitude is Woohoo. I took one pill (on a semi-full stomach) and felt so energized I could have run many miles. Which I did. Six, to be exact. Six miles on a treadmill without stopping or pausing is pretty impressive for an asthmatic. I still haven't gotten acclimated to the ground not moving. I feel like I should still be bouncing along at a good pace. A saunter just feels much too slow. I want to run a million miles but I know I could never do that since the cops would arrest me for assaulting the sidewalk. 

Just kidding. 

I haven't slept for more than 4 hours since I took the pill. Thursday. But I haven't really felt tired. I think I'm feeling the first signs of slowing down. I'm not really sure. I haven't felt a crash, or any nausea, or anything like that. I'm just starting to feel slightly tired. Like it's 11 PM and I've had a pretty normal day. Not at all like I haven't slept for a long time. All in all, I wouldn't recommend buying this unless you genuinely need to stay awake for a long time. It can't be good for you. But if you DO take this pill, EAT. If you don't, you will become a pukey mess once the energy takes over. And no one likes that. SO not fabulous. :]

My second discovery is Sprecher cream soda. This stuff is.. in a word [or five], a party in your mouth.

My mom, of course, claims to have known about Sprecher since they opened their company. I doubt that's true, but they've been around since 1985 which is pre- LadyRawbs so there is really no way for me to tell. Sprecher makes gourmet soda; year-round, seasonal, and limited-release beer; and, apparently, Barbecue sauce?!? 

They have all kinds of root beer-related things.

Root Beer, of course. My little brother, who considers himself a connoisseur of such, says that Sprecher is one of the best. He says it is #3 out of his Top Five. 

Cream soda, which currently resides in my fridge and is the whole purpose for this particular post.

Orange Dream, which I'm dying to try.

Ginger Ale, which my mom says is amazing (she was the one who instructed me to put that in italics).

Lo-Cal Root Beer. Bleh. Doesn't sound much different from the original, except this one contains Saccharin. :/

And a couple other flavors that sound exciting. At least, more exciting than that last one.

Anyway, my weekend is pretty good thus far, save for evil birds attacking my feet. Broke up with Ryan, and he just got MORE annoying. I didn't know it was possible, but it is. Thank God I got to see this, if I hadn't I might end up doing something truly stupid like being with him any longer.
Making travel plans now, Florida this month, and Connecticut next month. I can't wait to see my family, and S.N.

Wtf??

I can't believe Llama isn't in my phone's T9 dictionary!!!

S.N. just told me to go to sleep.

In my sugar-high, pizza-overdosed, sleep-underdosed mind, I was thinking, 

"NEEVEEEERRRRRRR!" and slam-dancing in my Cat In The Hat boxers and Hello Kitty cape.

But I simply replied.. "Baby." [with an imaginary :p face]

I guess I have to give him credit since it's 3 AM there, not 2, and he does have to work in three hours or so.

NANNY NANNY BOO BOO, THE GROWN UPS ARE GONNA GET YOUUUUU.

And with that said, I'm going to sleep too, before I send anymore strange messages I'll regret later.


Good night, happy blog people.

New blog? Lolwut?

Since my old blog is now irrelevant, because I'm an alumnus (yay!) I've started a new [public] blog. I'm keeping the old one, if you want to read it then I'll add you to its readers.
I can't begin to imagine why anyone would want to read my high-school ditherings, but I've had a couple requests from my TROLLS who won't join Blogger. So thar you go. :]

I signed up for Springboard and my session is June 15-16.  For anyone who doesn't know, Springboard is freshmeat orientation at Centenary. That's where we schedule classes, take aptitude tests, meet with Freshman Advisers and whatnot.
I really don't want to go. I hate going to events where I'm brand-new. Admittedly, lots of other people there will be new as well, but that doesn't ease my dread. There's already a sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of having to go somewhere alone.
I don't do anything alone. Except, well, you know, private things. I don't know why. I'm just afraid to do stuff alone. Shop, go out to eat, do ANYTHING in public. I'm self-conscious when I'm alone. I pull at my clothes, constantly tug at my hair, take out my cell phone and text anyone just to be a little distracted. Sad but true.
Ugh. I guess I just have to do this. Seems unnecessary to me. But how will I register for classes if I don't go?

Speaking of things I have to do, I have to find a travel mate. June? Florida. July? California. August? Shreveport, Louisiana. Ergh. I really want to get out of here. I guess I should have taken my brother's advice and gone to UConn but they weren't as interested in me as Centenary was. I guess I should be grateful, a lot of my friends got denied by Centenary and the ones who got accepted didn't get as much scholarship moola. But I just feel like I should be.. exploring. Not cooped up like some retarded chicken. If I stay penned too long, I'm going to end up having a gimpy wing.






Anyway, tomorrow should be a long day of shopping with my sister. So, I'll take pictures if necessary, cover my eyes if I must [it's imminent] and be sure to update if anything gooey happens.  : /

Update: 6/5/10

For my Northerner friends: AKA Nate, Jesse, Jeremy and others
I'll be in Groton with brother and family (and Nate) from Jul. 23 to August 10th.